more than two Archives

PQ 25.7 — Who else is affected by my decision to be out or closeted? Do I understand the effect my decision will have on them?

September 23, 2018 No Comments

It's a black and white image that reads "The End" — Image by Pixabay / CC 0

PQ 25.7 — Who else is affected by my decision to be out or closeted? Do I understand the effect my decision will have on them?

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Before I dive into today’s question, I just wanted to make a quick note that **drum roll** THIS IS THE FINAL ESSAY IN THIS SERIES!!!! » Read more

Polyamory

Full Up or Not Hungry?: Polysaturated Versus Polysatisfied

January 12, 2018 No Comments

a small red clay slug sculpture positioned next to a chocolate bar with a small bite out of the corner — Image by Neal Fowler / CC BY

Suddenly Polysaturated

polysaturation (noun) – when a polyamorous person has as many significant others as they think they can handle at a given time

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As I write this piece, I have three partners: There is of course my husband Justin Case. I’ve been with him for 6 years, and we were close friends for about a year prior to that. » Read more

PQ Series

PQ 14.2 — Does the agreement serve the purpose it is intended to serve?

December 23, 2017 1 Comment

A photograph of a handshake. The hand on the left has the words "you are" on it, and the hand on the right has the words "not alone" on it, so when read left to right, they read "you are not alone."

PQ 14.2 — Does the agreement serve the purpose it is intended to serve?

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“So we got around to the Big Talk,” she says.

“Oh? The opening up talk?” I say.

She nods. “Been putting it off for a while. I was so scared at how it would go.” » Read more

PQ Series

PQ 12.8 — Can I think of a way to make a new partner feel safe in a relationship with me under these conditions?

November 11, 2017 No Comments

a person with dark hair and a dark beard wearing a dark jacket, dark shirt, and jeans, standing next to a sign that says "Do not learn safety by accident." There appears to be snow on the ground and a fence in the background with other signs, like this is the entrance to an industrial area. — Image by Endlisnis / CC BY

PQ 12.8 — Can I think of a way to make a new partner feel safe in a relationship with me under these conditions?

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While the Chapter 12 questions have all been about veto, I really like this question in a broader sense, as a kind of self-check:

Is the way I’m treating my partner making them feel safe in the relationship? » Read more

PQ Series

PQ 12.6 — Do I use the word veto to describe something other than an ability to unilaterally end a partner’s relationship — for example, when I give input to my partners about how I feel about their other relationships? If so, why? Is there something about the word that reassures me in a way that negotiation and input do not?

November 4, 2017 No Comments

a sign that reads "furnished apartment for rent" in the center of the photo. On the left is a thermometer. On the right is a Coca-Cola sign. — Image by turkeychik / CC BY

PQ 12.6 — Do I use the word veto to describe something other than an ability to unilaterally end a partner’s relationship — for example, when I give input to my partners about how I feel about their other relationships? If so, why? Is there something about the word that reassures me in a way that negotiation and input do not? » Read more

PQ Series

PQ 12.4 — Do I trust my partner to consider my needs and well-being in his decisions about whether to stay in a relationship that is hurting me? Why or why not? If not, what can I do to improve that trust?

October 28, 2017 1 Comment

a black cat sitting on a fence lined with plants — Image by Bill Harrison / CC BY

PQ 12.4 — Do I trust my partner to consider my needs and well-being in his decisions about whether to stay in a relationship that is hurting me? Why or why not? If not, what can I do to improve that trust?

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“Page,” he says. “I hate to ask this from you. » Read more

Polyamory, PQ Series

PQ 12.3 — What do I believe will happen if I ask a partner to end another relationship, and he or she says no? Why will that thing happen?

October 22, 2017 1 Comment

a black fountain pen splattering red ink all over a white sheet of paper — Image by Simeon Berg / CC BY

PQ 12.3 — What do I believe will happen if I ask a partner to end another relationship, and he or she says no? Why will that thing happen?

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Veto power† is a funny thing.

Ostensibly, it’s adopted to give a sense of security to both partners. “If anything happens that scares us or threatens our underlying relationship, » Read more

Polyamory, PQ Series

PQ 12.2 — Who do I think should have the final say in whether a relationship ends? Why?

October 21, 2017 No Comments

a caution yellow sign that reads "dead end no turnaround" with arrows pointing to both the left and right — Image by Alan Levine / CC BY

PQ 12.2 – Who do I think should have the final say in whether a relationship ends? Why?

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“I just want to say I’m sorry,” he says.

It stops me in my tracks. What? What’s he talking about? “Sorry about what?” I ask.

“I didn’t take your advice, » Read more

PQ Series

PQ 11.8 — Will it be possible for the secondary nature of my relationship to evolve into primary, if my partner and I desire that? If not, how will I feel about my relationship remaining secondary long into the future — say, ten or fifteen years?

October 14, 2017 No Comments

a healthy vegetable garden with plants spaced a bit apart — Image by Alan Levine / CC BY

PQ 11.8 — Will it be possible for the secondary nature of my relationship to evolve into primary, if my partner and I desire that? If not, how will I feel about my relationship remaining secondary long into the future — say, ten or fifteen years?

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Human beings are notoriously terrible at predicting the emotional future. » Read more

PQ Series

PQ 11.5 — Do I clearly understand both the letter and the intent of the rules that will apply to my relationship? Am I comfortable maintaining a relationship within those rules? Am I comfortable with the reasons for the rules?

October 1, 2017 No Comments

a steel sign with raised letters that say "THE LAW" viewed from an angle — Image by biscuitsmlp / CC BY

PQ 11.5 — Do I clearly understand both the letter and the intent of the rules that will apply to my relationship? Am I comfortable maintaining a relationship within those rules? Am I comfortable with the reasons for the rules?

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In my time, I’ve known some folks with very brief relationship agreements. » Read more