Amatonormativity: (noun) the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types
We’ve talked many times on this site about amatonormativity. » Read more
We meet up to have coffee after a difficult evening. It was our first fight as friends. Looking back at it with a cooler head and a bit of distance, I can see where we both messed up. The miscommunication is glaring me in the face. Obvious now that I’m calmer.
I see what I got wrong. » Read more
“And of course, after all that, I’d come to find out that I was right. Of course,” she says.
“She’d ignored your warning, and it had happened,” I replied.
I don’t know what to say back. It’s happened to me quite a bit over my life. I’ve found myself on both sides of things — » Read more
I’ve mentioned it a few times in the past, but I’m not the friend that you call in an emergency.
Once upon a time, long ago and far away, I was tethered to my phone. I would answer it any hour of the night. I was worried about missing a single text or notification. » Read more
I ran into a rather cute term a while back: An askhole. What’s an askhole? Well, essentially, it’s what you call a person who asks for your opinion or advice on issues — and then turns around and does the opposite of what you advised.
This is frankly a pretty handy term for me because I’ve run into this a lot. » Read more
I published an essay here recently that compared a rough spot in an otherwise happy relationship to a freak cold day in a warm climate:
I’ve had a lot of long-term relationships. Some of them were rocky, some were much more even keel.
Nevertheless, all of them had conflict every once in a while. » Read more
I’ve been coming out of my shell again lately.
I moved from Cleveland to Dallas five months ago, after spending a stressful few months fixing up and selling our old house.
It was a lot of upheaval. And it happened all in a blitz, too fast for me to have any hope of processing it. » Read more
“Aren’t you upset?” they said “Don’t you expect your friend to take your side?”
I shook my head no. “No, not automatically. Not if they don’t agree with me or what I’m doing.”
Blind Loyalty and Self-Satisfaction
I think a lot about loyalty. It’s often put forth as a virtue, right up there with honesty. » Read more
Sometimes people ask me how I got into writing books about relationships, blogging for a large audience, giving advice.
People always seem to be hoping for some backstory in which I had some kind of grand vision. In which I shot forward with the unbridled determination of an activist and an ideologue for kink and non-monogamy. » Read more
I’ve gotten asked enough times how I started out blogging for a wide audience. I wish I had a better origin story. That I’d gotten bitten by something radioactive. Or that someone swooped down from the sky and knighted me or something.
But it isn’t that colorful.
In all honesty, I was the advice friend. » Read more