PQ 14.10 — Is this agreement serving the people involved, or are the people serving it?

Text that reads "The brown quick Fox jummps over the la zy dog dog" with red proofreader's marks that indicate that it should actually read like the following "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
Image by volkspider / CC BY

PQ 14.10 — Is this agreement serving the people involved, or are the people serving it?


He’s just gotten done telling me about his relationship agreement. Complaining, really. About what he doesn’t like about it. And there’s a lot.

“I get where you’re coming from,” I say. “Have you talked to your partners about changing your relationship agreement?”  » Read more

Continue Reading

Not Permission, Not Chaos: Toward a Buy-In Model of Polyamory

a stick figure person drawn on a sheet of typing paper with 4 connector cables attached to its head
Image by Omran Jamal / CC BY

It can be a difficult balance to strike in polyamory: How to add new partners to an existing relationship system without upsetting the relationships that are already in place.

A number of common strategies exist. Some relationship systems have extensive permission structures in place. Existing partners are consulted and each is called upon to approve or veto potential new relationships.  » Read more

Continue Reading

With Great Power Comes Great Ambiguity: Towards More Realistic Relationship Agreements

A stoplight for pedestrians that has both the "green walking person" and "red stopped person" lit, sending a message of ambiguity.
Image by barockschloss / CC BY

“Hold on,” he says. “I have to text my wife.”

We’re sitting together on their bed. I stare at the wall, bored. Why text her now? I thought we were having a good conversation.

And then it dawns on me. Their relationship agreement.

“Our one biggest rule is that we let the other know before we’re gonna have sex with someone else,”  » Read more

Continue Reading

Poly Road Testing for Responsible Travelers

an old black and white photo of a couple standing in front of a car with a trailer attached, vintage travelers
Image by Janice Waltzer / CC BY

So You Want to Open Your Relationship, What Next?

I had read all about New Relationship Energy (NRE) before diving in to polyamory. Those new, shiny feelings that happen when you first start dating someone. When your partner feels NRE for someone new, it can be deeply terrifying. Especially when you’re new to polyamory and in a relationship that was previously monogamous and not yet Poly Road Tested.  » Read more

Continue Reading

Martin Under the Bridge: Polyamory, Check-Ins, and Concern Trolling

A weasel sitting on a stick with a wire wrapped around it, at the Bering Land Bridge.
Image by Bering Land Bridge National Preserve / CC BY

Check-Ins and the Threat of Concern Trolling

“So you check in with your partners about stuff before you do it?”

“Sure do,” I say. “My current agreement doesn’t require me to, but I think it’s not a bad practice to give people a heads up. Y’know, considerate.”

“Okay. So let’s say you want to date someone.  » Read more

Continue Reading

Truth Drip: Titrating How Much We Share and When

an iv in the hospital
Image by marissa anderson / CC BY

It’s difficult to know how much to share about what goes on (sexually and otherwise) with one of your partners with another. It’s like titrating the truth, just like you would medicine in a hospital — a truth drip.

On the surface, it seems so easy.┬áBut you gotta be careful! You can overdose by saying too much or by saying too little.  » Read more

Continue Reading