There is a monster sitting on my chest.
No one else can see him.
But I know he’s there. I can feel him sitting there. He’s comfortable where he is. He’s happiest when I’m unhappy. Most comfortable when I’m uncomfortable.
He comes and goes as he pleases. Sometimes, though, » Read more
It doesn’t happen very often, but every once in a great while, I fall so deeply in love with someone or something that I don’t care if it loves me back.
It happened with you, you know. I was convinced that you were too good for me. That I didn’t deserve someone like you. » Read more
I’ve poured my heart out again. One of those ridiculous long-winded emotional spiels. The kind that leave me exhausted and worried after the fact.
Because it feels cathartic to get it all out, but the last thing I want to do is alienate the person I’m talking to. Overwhelm them. Cause some sort of secondary problem that I’m not in any shape to clean up. » Read more
Have you ever sat up all night and worried about someone?
I sure have. Especially if I knew they were doing something particularly risky or dangerous, like driving a long distance when the weather was bad.
In one instance, a loved one was several hours late arriving home, and I couldn’t get a hold of them by phone (not normal at all for them). » Read more
Hey there! I’m new to poly, I’ve only been doing it for less than a year. I’ve been following your writings for that time and they’ve been a great help.
I still struggle with jealousy though, anxiety attacks, and just generally feeling terrible when my partner goes to explore new connections. » Read more
“You won’t hate me if I sit next to you at dinner, will you?” she asks me.
“Of course not,” I say. It’ll stick out in my memory for a long time as an odd question because there’s actually nowhere else for her to sit, unless she sits at a table across the restaurant. » Read more
I never would have noticed on my own, but I hold my breath a lot. The only reason I know this is because my partner has been pointing out to me when I hold my breath.
He’ll typically do this by saying something like “breathe” or “stop holding your breath.”
And apparently it’s a lot. » Read more
I’ve been spending a lot of time exhausted lately. Not tired. Not fatigued. But utterly exhausted.
That’s life when your partner accepts their dream job 1000 miles away and you’re unexpectedly trying to prep your house for sale with only about a month to work with. Especially when you throw in other things, » Read more
“Worrying is praying for stuff you don’t want.”
Bargains with God
When I was little, I used to make little bargains with God. Especially on long car rides. I’d ask God to introduce himself in a way that I could understand but nothing so dramatic as to blow his cover or make it so that others wouldn’t have to have faith in order to keep believing in him. » Read more
A while ago, I wrote a piece called “Abused Kids Get to Look Like Their Bullies“:
On countless mornings, I glimpse my reflection in the mirror and want to punch myself in the face.
Because I look like her at certain angles.
Her chin, strong but not square. » Read more