“Single” Doesn’t Have to Mean “Lonely” or “Unhappy,” Especially When Your Friends Rock

an illustration of two people viewed from behind. They have arms over the other's shoulders in a supportive way.
Image by Pixabay / CC 0

Amatonormativity: (noun) the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types

We’ve talked many times on this site about amatonormativity.  » Read more

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It’s Far Too Easy to Confuse One Type of Friendship With Another

Two rocks that have sunglasses, hands, and feet drawn on them to make them into stick people. They are holding hands.
Image by Pixabay / CC 0

In a recent post, I talked about how confusing the conversations we have around love can be. As I wrote then, part of this confusion is because what we call “love” and what another person calls “love” may very well not be the same thing. And it certainly doesn’t help that one person can talk about many different kinds of love,  » Read more

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Love Bombing & Supernormal Stimulus, Redux: Finding the Button Is Only Half of It

It's a stencil painted onto concrete. Within the stenciled image are two bunnies that have a bomb between them with a heart over it
Image by karlnorling / CC BY

I wanted to write to you about your article “The Supernormal Stimulus.” In it, you talk about an approach to optimizing in relationships where you figure out what matters to your partner the most and then you do it. In it, you bring up ways that zoologists were able to trick birds: Geese who think humans are their mothers,  » Read more

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I’m Waaaaay Pickier About Partner Selection Now That I’m Polyamorous

an orange life raft in pretty bad shape
Image by Rachel Lyra Hospodar / CC BY

As I’ve said many times in the past, I don’t do a lot of online dating. I tend to be unconventional in the way I meet partners these days. I chiefly meet folks incidentally through friends or through friends of friends. But I do participate in online dating every so often (albeit rarely, the last time was for a few weeks several years ago),  » Read more

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PQ 21.6 — Do I have problems that make it difficult for my partners to be with me? How do I seek to mitigate those?

an ornament of a dumpster on fire, like one would hang to decorate a tree
Image by Bill Ward / CC BY

PQ 21.6 — Do I have problems that make it difficult for my partners to be with me? How do I seek to mitigate those?


“I think I’m becoming undateable,” I say to my friends.

They argue with me. Tell me that’s not true. They point to my existing two partners as evidence that contradicts this assertion.  » Read more

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Being Single Sucks, But We Don’t Want to Hear About It

a small blue arm chair with dark wooden armrests
Image by Ashley Van Haeften / CC BY

Today’s piece is a guest blog post from Fluffy, an academic in-training, who is studying organizational behavior in hopes of making the world a better place.

They previously contributed “I Was Treated as a Disease Vector: Why There Are So Few Gay Men in Pansexual Polyamory” to Poly.Land.

Fluffy’s regular blog is Eclectic Discourse (where pith goes to die;  » Read more

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Empathy or Envy: Amatonormativity and Hidden Costs

a photo of an art gallery, to the left is a bronze statue that appears to be a woman with a child on her shoulders. Directly ahead is a brightly colored painting that appears to be a man leaping out of his own body. Off to the right, there appears to be a triptrych of modern images of the crucifixion. There are a few nondescript/blurry patrons and distantly in the photo there is a painting, details unclear, but it appears to be a portrait of someone wearing a red outfit.

When I look at beautiful things now, I don’t wonder at the talent that must have produced it. Instead, I think of the stress that it probably took.

What happened behind the scenes? How many nights were spent sleepless? Exactly how heavy was the weight of the artist’s head in their hand?

The most beautiful things in life often come with very hidden and very private costs.  » Read more

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