“Aren’t you upset?” they said “Don’t you expect your friend to take your side?”
I shook my head no. “No, not automatically. Not if they don’t agree with me or what I’m doing.”
Blind Loyalty and Self-Satisfaction
I think a lot about loyalty. It’s often put forth as a virtue, right up there with honesty. » Read more
“You wouldn’t leave someone with cancer,” he said.
She blinked, not quite sure she was hearing what she was hearing. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“You’re breaking up with me because I have depression,” he said. “That’s wrong. Not only is it wrong, it’s cruel. I never thought you were someone who would do something like that. » Read more
As it happens, I was bopping around the Internet the other day, not exactly minding my own business but instead throwing open every door I came across and rifling through for treasures, a bit like a video game protagonist looking for stray gold coins in NPC closets. You know, what people used to call “surfing the web.” » Read more
Joke: “How do you punish a masochist?”
My answer: “Ignore them.”
Attention Is a Powerful Motivator
It’s something that experts advise new parents: Punishment can backfire if done too much or done the wrong way. Scolding or hitting tends to be particularly ineffective. Even if addressing a child’s behavior directly these ways is intended as punishment, » Read more
[Description of a complex social situation.]
Am I wrong for feeling [emotion]? Should I feel a different way?
Feelings are never right or wrong. They just are. You get to feel what you feel.
Now, when we take actions based on our feelings, » Read more
PQ 14.4 — What will happen if someone breaks the agreement? Do we have a path for reestablishing trust?
Consequences and Accountability
“I guess I just don’t see the difference between setting a boundary and making an ultimatum,” the young man says. He’s come up to me after the class I’m teaching.
You’ve clearly had experiences that make you feel that way, » Read more
“When someone is crying, of course, the noble thing to do is to comfort them. But if someone is trying to hide their tears, it may also be noble to pretend you do not notice them.”
I look at my phone when we pull into port. » Read more
PQ 9.13 — Am I afraid to express my boundaries? Do I feel they won’t be respected?
Am I Afraid to Express My Boundaries?
These issues are near and dear to my heart. I’m a recovering people pleaser.
As I’ve written about in past articles, » Read more
It’s usually one of first things you’re asked when someone finds out that you’re polyamorous: “But don’t you get jealous?” I get asked it a lot. And one of the most important realizations I had was that jealousy isn’t really an emotion.
If anything, jealousy is a system of emotions. » Read more
PQ 7.8 — Does my communication show that I take responsibility for my actions and emotions?
When Someone “Makes” Us Feel Something
It’s very common to hear people say that someone “made” them feel something.
“She made me feel bad.”
“You make me so unhappy.”
“He makes me so frustrated.” » Read more