In the Dust

March 2010 – Saint Patrick’s Day

 

“You’ve been doing amazing,” S says. “You look incredible. You’ve changed so much.” We lock arms, cuddle. “Just be careful. Don’t leave him behind.”

 

S throws a look at my then-husband, who is doing a line of shots with some of the other boys across the room.  » Read more

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Things I Do Believe

Something my therapist has been working on with me lately is examining old beliefs, basically things other people have told me that I find problematic and stressful and reframing or rejecting them as necessary. In addition, I’ve been tasked with building a belief system that suits me,  my life where it is now, where I want to go –  » Read more

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Not a Grown Up

Me: I’m not a grown up. I don’t know what I’m doing.

Skyspook: No one really does.

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When it comes to feeling truly loved and understood by another human being, I am roughly 3 years old.

My relationship with my mother is deeply troubled as she is mentally ill and only recently compliant with any sort of treatment (to the tune of starting talk therapy about 3 or 4 years ago).  » Read more

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Fat Knees

My mother likes to relate a story of a visit she had to her primary care provider many years ago, right around the time my little brother was born. She’d gotten down quickly to her svelte pre-pregnancy weight but was still distressed. “I don’t know what to do,” she said to her doctor. “I have such fat knees.”

“That’s how you know you’re thin,” he replied.  » Read more

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Happiness is a Warm Gun

“Holy shit!” I broke into uncontrollable cackles, after I’d fired off 2 rounds. “I get why you do this!”

I was shooting a gun for the first time, a dainty .22 pistol, at this anything goes backwoods outdoor range and had managed to decimate one of the many cans of orange soda we’d procured at the dollar store for just this purpose.  » Read more

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Paradigm Shift

I woke up yesterday morning, completely without warning, with a sense that a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt lighter, more at peace. My anxiety was better than I can remember it being. I could speak without the echo of fear and doubt that accompanies most of my social interactions (in the manner of quick thoughts like “well,  » Read more

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