When I was 19 years old, I wound up in an abusive relationship. Kurt was 32 years old. He’d lived in multiple states. This really impressed me at the time. It was only later that I’d find out that he moved around because of legal trouble. And that he’d wound up living in Maine (where I grew up and where I met him) because Kurt had sought out his brother who had built a comfortable life for himself, » Read more
It Would Be Easier if We Could Do Other People’s Emotional Work for Them….But We Can’t
Once upon a time, I was that person stuck in a miserable relationship. I knew I was unhappy — and that my partner was unhappy, too. But I also knew that relationships were work. That it wasn’t always going to be easy.
So when things got hard in my first marriage, » Read more
“Of Course, Most People Feel Like I Do” — False Consensus Bias & You
Not everyone thinks the way you think, knows the things you know, believes the things you believe, nor acts the way you would act.
Remember this and you will go a long way in getting along with people.
-Arthur Forman
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False consensus bias is a cognitive bias that causes people to see our own behavior and opinions as more common than it actually is. » Read more
“Single” Doesn’t Have to Mean “Lonely” or “Unhappy,” Especially When Your Friends Rock
Amatonormativity: (noun) the assumption that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in the sense that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types
We’ve talked many times on this site about amatonormativity. » Read more
Are Lurkers & People Who Simply Scroll Away Different Than Those Who Engage?
I have a confession to make: I’m a natural lurker.
I’m a person who tends to read a lot more than I comment. Before I started writing daily in public (via this site), I rarely ever wrote online. Just a few status updates here and there. Always on a private, friends-locked platform.
Never in public forums. » Read more
It’s So Easy to Stop Trying Once You Get Comfortable. Don’t.
There’s a lot of joking about “letting yourself go” when you get into a long-term relationship. A lot of times people are referring to superficial concerns. Like gaining a few extra pounds. Not taking the same care to dress attractively.
That sort of thing.
But there’s a bigger threat, I think, » Read more
What’s Going On in My Life & What I’m Working On
Hey folks,
A while back, I wrote a post about how I write with aphantasia and answered some other questions you’d asked me. After that piece came out, I heard from a lot of you who were really grateful for the updates and said you’d like them more often.
So in today’s post, » Read more
The Fix for Insecurity Isn’t Compliments & Promises; It’s Gratitude.
Once upon a time, I thought that I would become secure if the right people just said the right words the right number of times. Like a magic spell, an incantation of love, all of the deficiencies within me — my wrongs — would be righted, if someone close to me only told me what I needed to hear. » Read more
I Love Friends Who Travel Well
“I feel like social media has primed us all to be worse friends,” she says.
“Huh,” I say.
“You don’t agree?” she says.
“Well, I don’t know. I’m not sure I know exactly what you mean by that,” I say. “It sounds interesting.”
“I feel like everything’s been turned into a performance. » Read more
We Like & Get Along Better With People Who Are Similar to Us
What makes us want to be friends with someone? What makes for a good, satisfying romantic relationship?
Some people would say that opposites attract. But frankly, decades of empirical research point in the other direction: Compatibility is based on having things in common. While there seems to be a role for complementarity — » Read more