This is an essay posted elsewhere that I’ve decided to put up here so I can reference and refer to it – as it deals with some things I know I’ll be writing about in the near future. Until the divorce was finalized (an event that took place over a month ago now), I didn’t want to openly post too much nitty gritty, » Read more
“How do we know who we are sexually, what sex even is?”
This is one of those stupid questions I ask curled in the fetal position.
“We just do. We just feel it,” or some variant is the answer I’ve been given time and time again, » Read more
I am not a particularly loyal person.
I wonder if it’s because one thing that life has taught me is that ultimately I can only rely on myself.
This revelation may seem paradoxical given the fact that I am beloved. Not only do I have a Master but also a well-cherished friend coterie that serves to insulate me from the world. » Read more
March 2010 – Saint Patrick’s Day
“You’ve been doing amazing,” S says. “You look incredible. You’ve changed so much.” We lock arms, cuddle. “Just be careful. Don’t leave him behind.”
S throws a look at my then-husband, who is doing a line of shots with some of the other boys across the room. » Read more
Something my therapist has been working on with me lately is examining old beliefs, basically things other people have told me that I find problematic and stressful and reframing or rejecting them as necessary. In addition, I’ve been tasked with building a belief system that suits me, my life where it is now, where I want to go – » Read more
Me: I’m not a grown up. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Skyspook: No one really does.
When it comes to feeling truly loved and understood by another human being, I am roughly 3 years old.
My relationship with my mother is deeply troubled as she is mentally ill and only recently compliant with any sort of treatment (to the tune of starting talk therapy about 3 or 4 years ago). » Read more
“Holy shit!” I broke into uncontrollable cackles, after I’d fired off 2 rounds. “I get why you do this!”
I was shooting a gun for the first time, a dainty .22 pistol, at this anything goes backwoods outdoor range and had managed to decimate one of the many cans of orange soda we’d procured at the dollar store for just this purpose. » Read more
I woke up yesterday morning, completely without warning, with a sense that a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt lighter, more at peace. My anxiety was better than I can remember it being. I could speak without the echo of fear and doubt that accompanies most of my social interactions (in the manner of quick thoughts like “well, » Read more
“I’m a fraud and others will find out”
There it is, right in the “FEARS” worksheet. Fuck you, Step 4. Moral Inventory bullshit. I wince, feel the rage rise up within me. I sigh.
Whenever I experience this level of anger, what’s being said is either very true or very untrue. » Read more
“A man who survived jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge said, ‘I can still see my hands coming off the railing…I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable — except for having just jumped.’”
-Paul Austin, Something for the Pain
I got divorced yesterday. » Read more