“You have to be careful about what you fix….If you irrigate a desert, you might empty a sea. It’s a complicated business, fixing things.”
-Percival Everett, “The Fix”
I’ve been told basically the same thing from a number of people in a variety of different ways: That there’s nothing wrong with me. » Read more
Sometimes I see other people weighing the pros and cons of a big change. Coming up with lists. Emotionally processing for months before they make that big decision: To do or not to do — that is the question.
I’ve noticed most of the time that they don’t. They stick with the status quo. » Read more
It’s been a weird sea change for me the past few years, building up an online presence. It wasn’t like this at all in the past. I worked on the sidelines of publishing, mostly as an editor at some literary magazines with occasional publications in little magazines that nobody really read. Won some writing awards only a handful of people cared about (but which did help me pay my rent, » Read more
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been terrified of getting pregnant.
I suppose it didn’t help that one of my formative experiences surrounding pregnancy involved a teen mom who looked miserable. She was the daughter of one of my mom’s friends. Had gotten pregnant in high school. And whenever my mother and I would stop by to visit her friend, » Read more
The past few weeks have been absolutely hectic, and there’s no end in sight.
Essentially, I’ve been tasked with packing, cleaning, and prepping a house for sale with only about a month to work with.
And it’s a house I’ve lived in for nearly a decade.
I’m not used to staying in one place for very long. » Read more
Why I Don’t Vaguepost When I’m Sad
Like anyone else, I hit bad patches. I get sad. Run into trouble inside my own head.
I had a particularly awful spell a little while back, brought on by some work I was doing sorting through childhood trauma. The kind of thing that’s always with me but is normally tucked away in tightly sealed boxes in some remote corner of my brain. » Read more
“Worrying is praying for stuff you don’t want.”
Bargains with God
When I was little, I used to make little bargains with God. Especially on long car rides. I’d ask God to introduce himself in a way that I could understand but nothing so dramatic as to blow his cover or make it so that others wouldn’t have to have faith in order to keep believing in him. » Read more
I learned an important lesson very early on about jealousy and the dangers of pitting people against one other.
My first grade teacher hung a bulletin board in our classroom that she titled “King of the Mountain.”
She’d created a scene on poster board for it. The image was, predictably, a mountain. » Read more
A while ago, I wrote a piece called “Abused Kids Get to Look Like Their Bullies“:
On countless mornings, I glimpse my reflection in the mirror and want to punch myself in the face.
Because I look like her at certain angles.
Her chin, strong but not square. » Read more
It was something I was told a thousand times growing up. If you’re going to go out, leave a note.
By my mother when I was staying at my parents’ house. But not just her and not just there. Everywhere. At all the other places I stayed. Friends’ houses. With other relatives. » Read more