Hey, Stop Being So Mean to My Friend: A Self-Compassion Conversational Interrupt

It's someone's lecture notes from a lecture. At the top left it reads "Self compassion Kristen Neff, PhD." At the top right, it reads "2015-03-24a, notes by Sacha Chua." Going top to bottom, left to right, first heading reads compassion. Under it it reads recognition of suffering, feelings of kindness, desire to help, shared Next heading: Self-compassion, under heading it reads self-kindness, common humanity - everyone, mindfulness, (awareness of awareness, responding vs reacting) next heading exercises, under heading is letter from imaginary friend, 3-chair (self-critic, judged, wise, compassionate observer), self-hug, caress, identify interconnectedness, noting thoughts, mindfully working with pain, mindfulness meditation, self-compassion journal, soften, soothe, allow, develop your own self-compassion mantra, compassionate imagery, compassionate body scan, identifying the trickster (ego), next heading "why is this a challenge," under heading: the need to feel better than others, parents, culture, the desire for control, map vs. territory, self-esteem opt out, contigent?, self-compassion is more helpful, love not fear, hate can't conquer hate, self-judgement can't stop self-judgement, next heading better, under heading understand, have compassion - actively comfort, replace w/kinder response (embrace & replace), next header, attachment patterns can be reformed, love, therapy, unconditional support, next header this is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need. Next header. Identifying what I really want, procrastination and understand fear, self-compassion & our bodies, taking care of the caregiver, next heading phases, backdraft, infatuation, true acceptance, next header Marshall Rosenberg, What am I observing? What am I feeling? what am I needing right now? Do I have a request of myself or someone else? next header control, not thoughts but how we relate to them, observe doesn't equal believe, next header p. 53 Notice - stop & recognize, soften, reframe, next header rumination, don't judge yourself, next header give yourself, kindness & care, remind yourself pain is part of the shared human exp., mindful awareness, next header dark chocolate - happy + sad, next header, directing, loving-kindness to our suffering, identifying your relationship patterns, self-compassion break, next header releasing sexual shame, transforming negativity, take a pleasure walk, next header, the demoralizing whip, next header loveliness, I don't belong, because of focus uniqueness, us vs. them, next header perfectionism vs being human, learning, next header interconnectedness, next header suffering = pain x resistance, the more we resist, the more we suffer, next header compassionate, mind training, mindful awareness parenting, gratitude & savoring, next header finding the silver lining, keeping a gratitude journal, savor the moment
Image by Sacha Chua / CC BY

I’m standing in middle of the kitchen, clutching my head out of frustration. “Ugh,” I say. “I just wish I weren’t so freaking stupid sometimes.”

“Page,” Justin says.

I move my hand and look directly into his eyes. “What?”

“Stop being so mean to my friend.”

I crack a smile.  » Read more

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Disappointment Lives in the Space Between Fantasy and Reality

a concrete train platform. It has the following stamped on it in blue letters "BEWARE GAP WHEN BOARDING"
Image by Laurence Grayson / CC BY

Every fall into love involves the triumph of hope over self-knowledge. We fall in love hoping we won’t find in another what we know is in ourselves, all the cowardice, weakness, laziness, dishonesty, compromise, and stupidity. We throw a cordon of love around the chosen one and decide that everything within it will somehow be free of our faults.  » Read more

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Ducks Don’t Roll Out of Bed Like That: Being Tough Isn’t Always Effortless

a mallard duck swimming in the water, preening its back feathers
Image by Paul VanDerWerf / CC BY

I’ve always envied people who are impervious to criticism, thick-skinned. Tough people. Insults seem to roll off them like water off a duck’s back, as the cliche goes.

The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that having thick skin isn’t always as effortless as it seems. Sure, some people are more naturally inclined that way.  » Read more

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Here Comes the Airplane: Sneaking in Growth Like a Spoonful of Peas

a baby spotted flycatcher, a small white and brown bird, being fed food by a hand holding a pair of tweezers
Image by Papooga / CC BY

“You follow the same adorable pattern over and over again,” Skyspook says.

I blush. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” he says. “I mean adorable in a positive way. I’m not belittling you. It really is charming.”

I smile. “What’s this pattern?”

According to Skyspook, it goes a little something like this:

Skyspook: You know what would help you?  » Read more

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If You Ever Want to Piss Someone Off, Tell Them They’re Not Trying

a young boy on a beach with a plastic shovel full of sand. his hand is thrown back and his eyes are closed as though he is trying very hard and expending a lot of effort
Image by popofatticus / CC BY

Unless what you’re trying to do is piss someone off or hurt their feelings, whatever you do, don’t tell them, “You didn’t even try.”

Because that’s not something you can possibly know.

Maybe you don’t like the results.

Maybe you’re dissatisfied.

And maybe you would have done a better job if you were in their shoes (but then again,  » Read more

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Emotional Ergonomics: There’s No Should. You Feel How You Feel.

a drawing of a cluttered desk. A stick figure person is bent over a laptop at an uncomfortable angle. The ergonomics are terrible.
Image by Kars Alfrink / CC BY

A core principle in the field of ergonomics is that a workstation should be designed with the user’s comfort in mind. The tools are laid out to serve the body. When we contort our bodies in an effort to match up with poorly aligned tools, productivity suffers. And repetitive strain injuries can follow.

When I worked for a large hospital system,  » Read more

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PQ 3.2 — Polyamory and Boundaries, First Degree, Second Degree, and Beyond

3 red buckets hanging on a wall, each bucket says "fire" on it
Image by Adele Prince / CC BY

PQ 3.2 — Have I sought input from everyone affected? Have I obtained their consent where my decision overlaps their personal boundaries? (Chapter 3 questions are all asked in the context of ones to ask to evaluate whether your choices are ethical.)

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This is truly one of the trickiest parts of polyamory —  » Read more

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