They Tell You to Love Yourself First, But Support Systems Are a Huge Advantage

4 hands spelling out "L-O-V-E." The hands appear to all belong to different people
Image by Pixabay / CC 0

“If you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else” is something that other people basically never stop saying. Only people with high self-esteem (positive self-regard) can truly engage in healthy, long-lasting relationships, people claim. The rest of the world is out of luck. Doomed to failed relationships and/or a life alone.

And like anything that gets said over and over again,  » Read more

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When Relationships Are Simultaneous, It’s Harder to Dismiss Your Concerns About Them

dice doubles. 8 dice arranged in 4 pairs of 2, a pair of 4's, a pair of 5's, a pair of 6's, and a pair of 7's
Image by Clint Budd / CC BY

I recently posted an essay called “A Bad Partner Fit Can Make You Feel Like You’re Worthless.” In it, I contrast two relationships I’ve been in, not by discussing the qualities of the two different partners, but by sharing the different ways they described me: 

It’s easy to come up with differences between those two relationships.  » Read more

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I’ve Learned to Be Agnostic About New Experiences

greenware cylinders on a drying shelf with a bucket of water nearby and some clay
Image by bptakoma / CC BY

I’m sitting in my very first ceramics class. It’s an orientation to using the shared workspace. We’re not even making a project yet. That will come later, in subsequent classes.

This is a small seminar about clay. The kilns on site. How projects are stored. That sort of thing.

Later I’ll be glad for the handout I’m given,  » Read more

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Why Non-Toxic Monogamy Is a Beautiful Thing & Why Yes = No, No = Yes

a house with a colorful abstract mural painted on its side that reads "Be Excellent to Each Other"
Image by Jeremy Segrott / CC BY

Even though I run a site called Poly.Land, sometimes people are surprised to find out that these days I don’t consider myself to be primarily polyamorous per se — but ambiamorous.

I’ve written about ambiamory many times on this site, for example:

To Make Mono/Poly Easier, View Monogamy and Polyamory as a Spectrum,  » Read more

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“I Just Want to Talk About It to Prove to Myself I Can”

a hand holding a ceramic heart, in front of what appears to be a rocky beach-y background
Image by thechallahblog / CC BY

I’ve poured my heart out again. One of those ridiculous long-winded emotional spiels. The kind that leave me exhausted and worried after the fact.

Because it feels cathartic to get it all out, but the last thing I want to do is alienate the person I’m talking to. Overwhelm them. Cause some sort of secondary problem that I’m not in any shape to clean up.  » Read more

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You Can’t Guarantee Entire Communities Will Be Good

a mural painted on a rock face that says "community" and then has a scene of a coastal town with rainbows and hot air balloons over it
Image by Rebecca Siegel / CC BY

This past summer I moved cross-country to a new area, leaving the community I knew rather well and landing somewhere where I basically knew no one at all.

At first I was pretty darn shellshocked. The simple logistical process of packing up everything we owned, preparing the house for sale, and living in it while it was being shown to prospective buyers…  » Read more

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