Rashomon

“I mostly feel terrible about not getting into grad school because it was the justification for my not working while I went to school, that I was going to work really hard so I could get accepted somewhere,” I told Spook as we drove home from Chicago.

“That wasn’t it at all,” Spook said.  » Read more

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Seen

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Skyspook: You say you don’t have strong opinions, but you do.

Me: Oh yeah?

Skyspook: It’s because it’s something you value about yourself , that you’re unopinionated, that you don’t have preferences. Even though you do.

Me: Ugh, stop that.

Skyspook: And apparently you’re ashamed that you’re proud of that.  » Read more

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Layers

When Skyspook and I first started dating 3 years ago, he was seeing 2 other married women in addition to me, and I had a husband, another boyfriend, and 2 girlfriends. There were also a few others that I sent intimate texts and emails to that would have gotten me in trouble if I had been exclusively partnered–including the notorious Slut Monkey!  » Read more

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Rock and a Hard Place

Having a mood disorder puts you into a bit of a double bind re: relationships. You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.

If your partner hasn’t been through anxiety or depression, they don’t know what it’s like, and many times they’ll be unsupportive, blame you, and say things like “just snap out of it.”  » Read more

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Notes towards “Diary of a Love Slave”

12/23/13

Nothing feels better than letting go, and when I say letting go, I mean completely letting go, letting responsibility bleed from you as effortlessly as losing consciousness when your head hits the pillow. Until I met him, I’d had little opportunity to do that for any length of time.

Going limp requires a high level of security and complete trust in the person holding the reins.  » Read more

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…I don’t understand (dream)

I dreamt last night that I got a phone call notifying me that my ex-husband Seth had died. Apparently it had been defending my older sister, who was being attacked by her ex-girlfriend (those two had a contentious break-up themselves involving a court appearance for a restraining order). In dream space, my sister was in the hospital recovering from her extensive injuries.  » Read more

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Mission Almost Accomplished

Four weeks ’til graduation.

It’s quite odd to be this close to completing what has been the most elaborate and involved order from Skyspook so far, finishing my bachelor’s degree, long delayed by life. By all accounts, I’ve done extremely well. I’m actually earning two bachelor’s degrees (picked up a second major after my first year and ran with it) and will graduate summa cum laude (dirty-sounding Latin for highest honors).  » Read more

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Happy 2nd Birthday, Divorce!

Despite the fact that I spent most of my life vehemently anti-divorce and swore I’d never get one, divorce was the best thing ever when I actually needed one.  It took an impossible situation and turned it into one that was challenging–but not impossible.

You see, I’d stipulated early on in my marriage to Seth that I wouldn’t give up our marriage without a fight —  » Read more

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