It’s Sunday morning. I’m wearing sweatpants, a T-shirt I don’t care about, and a head wrap that holds my hair out of my face. It’s not glamorous, but it’s functional. I’m dressed that way because I’ve been cleaning. Nothing major but the kind of light cleaning that doesn’t wait for a weekday to be done. » Read more
When You Ask Someone to Question One Thing, You May Be Asking Them to Question Everything
Upon hearing that I’ve written three books about polyamory and maintain a popular daily blog that heavily (although not exclusively) focuses on consensual non-monogamy, most people assume I must be some kind of polyamory fanatic.
They presume that I jumped into non-monogamy vigorously, happily, excited as heck. That I was an exuberant polyamorist, » Read more
What if We Thought of Parenting as a 1UP?
A while back, I received reader mail from parents sharing how much fun they have when their children play with toys they’d never had.
They said it squared the circle. They got to experience things they missed out in their childhood with their own children.
All the joy, all the fun. » Read more
Thank You for Ruining My Life
It’s funny, looking back, how close we came to never finding one another. Our meeting was only possible due to an improbable series of events. A chain of questionable decisions we both made.
If any of them had panned out differently, we would have never met.
But we did.
I wasn’t sure about you at first. » Read more
Why It’s Hard to Get Advice When You’re Looking for Validation
After a protracted period of soul searching and agonizing, I decided to share my feelings with him. I thought about how to phrase it. And then I went for it.
And in response he offered, “For one, you feel like that with me, too, and still isn’t true there. For two, not much I could help with except to say that most people like that you’re a bit pushy with your feelings. » Read more
Stage 5 Clingers Bring Out the Avoidance in Me
Even though I recently tested as securely attached, I bear all the hallmarks of someone who spent my earliest years in intimate relationships anxiously attached. In my own case, this owed to some abandonment issues.
Abandonment issues aren’t all that rare. They’re more common than a lot of people realize. » Read more
Why It Can Be Difficult to Trust People, Even When They Believe What They Say
The more you know about bias and how deeply it’s entrenched in our brains, the more it becomes truly difficult to trust other people. How they will treat us. If what they say to us is true…
Unfortunately, we’re all capable of saying untrue things, regardless of any moral commitment to truthfulness. Contrary to what a lot of people think, » Read more
Helping People Learn to Crochet During Nuclear Winter
“Look at the bright side,” I say to him. “When Roe v. Wade is overturned, you’ll be a hot piece of ass with your vasectomy and all.”
He cracks a smile. Chuckles. “You’re terrible,” he says.
“Maybe,” I say, “But you laughed.”
“I did indeed.”
It’s maybe not the best way to deal with the feeling that the world is ending any day now. » Read more
The Fine Art of Being Happy When Other People Aren’t
Caring about other people’s happiness is often framed like a virtue.
Good people care that other people are happy. And they especially care that the ones they love are happy.
In fact, some would argue, whether you care about another person’s happiness could very well be what defines love.
The trouble with happiness is that it comes and goes as it pleases. » Read more
When Worrying, Remember You Don’t Get Credit for Time Served
I’ll let you in on a little secret: There are times when no matter what you do, an issue is going to be ambiguous. You’re not necessarily going to get clarity or answers that satisfy you completely.
Maybe you’re worried that your partner doesn’t find you attractive anymore. And maybe you’ll find yourself embarking on a fact-finding mission. » Read more