PQ 12.11 — Do I feel safe opening my heart to someone who has given the power to end our relationship to someone else?

a concrete barrier that has a sign on it that reads "safe area." The top of it has yellow currogated metal plates and some orange and white safety cones.
Image by Peter Kaminski / CC BY

PQ 12.11 — Do I feel safe opening my heart to someone who has given the power to end our relationship to someone else?

*

It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.  » Read more

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PQ 12.10 — If I start a relationship with someone who is already partnered, what kind of input do I feel is reasonable for their other partners to have in our relationship?

3 segments of rusty chain links on top of a wooden floor
Image by Patrick McConahay / CC BY

PQ 12.10 — If I start a relationship with someone who is already partnered, what kind of input do I feel is reasonable for their other partners to have in our relationship?

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This question sits at the intersection of two separate — but important — issues.

The first is that whenever possible it’s best to stay out of other people’s relationships,  » Read more

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PQ 12.9 — Do I understand the needs my partner is seeking to meet by requesting veto, and have I considered alternative ways of meeting those needs?

a closeup of a dark-colored car. There's a yellow banner that draped across it that reads Student Driver in black letters
Image by burnbless / CC BY

PQ 12.9 — Do I understand the needs my partner is seeking to meet by requesting veto, and have I considered alternative ways of meeting those needs?

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Where I grew up at least, the cars they use for driver’s ed have a second set of controls on the passenger’s side.  » Read more

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PQ 12.8 — Can I think of a way to make a new partner feel safe in a relationship with me under these conditions?

a person with dark hair and a dark beard wearing a dark jacket, dark shirt, and jeans, standing next to a sign that says "Do not learn safety by accident." There appears to be snow on the ground and a fence in the background with other signs, like this is the entrance to an industrial area.
Image by Endlisnis / CC BY

PQ 12.8 — Can I think of a way to make a new partner feel safe in a relationship with me under these conditions?

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While the Chapter 12 questions have all been about veto, I really like this question in a broader sense, as a kind of self-check:

Is the way I’m treating my partner making them feel safe in the relationship?  » Read more

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PQ 12.7 — Am I prepared to bring someone I care about (or will come to care about) into a situation where I must dump them at someone else’s will?

an artwork of the same cat, split into 4 separate images but in 4 different colors, clockwise starting on top right: black & white, blue hue, supersaturated orange, and natural tabby
Image by woodleywonderworks / CC BY

PQ 12.7 — Am I prepared to bring someone I care about (or will come to care about) into a situation where I must dump them at someone else’s will?

*

There was a time in my life when I desperately wanted a cat, but my lease said “no pets.” So even though I really wanted to do it,  » Read more

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PQ 12.6 — Do I use the word veto to describe something other than an ability to unilaterally end a partner’s relationship — for example, when I give input to my partners about how I feel about their other relationships? If so, why? Is there something about the word that reassures me in a way that negotiation and input do not?

a sign that reads "furnished apartment for rent" in the center of the photo. On the left is a thermometer. On the right is a Coca-Cola sign.
Image by turkeychik / CC BY

PQ 12.6 — Do I use the word veto to describe something other than an ability to unilaterally end a partner’s relationship — for example, when I give input to my partners about how I feel about their other relationships? If so, why? Is there something about the word that reassures me in a way that negotiation and input do not?  » Read more

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PQ 12.5 — Do I trust my partner to make good decisions about whom she starts relationships with? Why or why not? What might the consequences be if she makes a poor decision, and how might I deal with those consequences?

a closeup of a cookbook page. The recipe that's partially shown is Sauteed Brussel Sprouts with Bacon
Image by Didriks / CC BY

PQ 12.5 — Do I trust my partner to make good decisions about whom she starts relationships with? Why or why not? What might the consequences be if she makes a poor decision, and how might I deal with those consequences?

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Ooooo boy, this question.

The answer these days regarding my anchor partner Skyspook,  » Read more

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PQ 12.4 — Do I trust my partner to consider my needs and well-being in his decisions about whether to stay in a relationship that is hurting me? Why or why not? If not, what can I do to improve that trust?

a black cat sitting on a fence lined with plants
Image by Bill Harrison / CC BY

PQ 12.4 — Do I trust my partner to consider my needs and well-being in his decisions about whether to stay in a relationship that is hurting me? Why or why not? If not, what can I do to improve that trust?

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“Page,” he says. “I hate to ask this from you.  » Read more

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PQ 12.3 — What do I believe will happen if I ask a partner to end another relationship, and he or she says no? Why will that thing happen?

a black fountain pen splattering red ink all over a white sheet of paper
Image by Simeon Berg / CC BY

PQ 12.3 — What do I believe will happen if I ask a partner to end another relationship, and he or she says no? Why will that thing happen?

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Veto power† is a funny thing.

Ostensibly, it’s adopted to give a sense of security to both partners. “If anything happens that scares us or threatens our underlying relationship,  » Read more

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