Why I Like Old Relationship Energy More Than New Relationship Energy

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I can still remember what my ex-husband said when we’d been dating each for a few months.

“I’m sad that the chase is over.”

I laughed at the time when he said it. Which he wasn’t fond of, because he was being serious (and he often interpreted laughter as hostile).

He went on to explain that his favorite parts of his past relationships had been in the courtship phase.  » Read more

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I’m So Tired of Love Triangles in Stories

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My new novel Psychic City has been out for a few weeks. And holy hornbeam have y’all been awesome about it. I’ve been hearing from a lot you who have already read the book (wow) and really enjoyed it (aww).

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the book, Psychic City is a slipstream mystery that follows a trio of polyamorous women who are detectives investigating a string of murders.  » Read more

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“You’re Just Jealous”: When Being Open About Your Insecurities Causes Partners to Assume You’re Concern Trolling

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It’s been an awfully long time since I’ve had it said to me, but I can still remember the first time I had a partner say “you’re just jealous” in a dismissive way.

At the time, I’d been concerned about something very important. I could see my metamour wasn’t treating our partner very well.  » Read more

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When Relationships Are Simultaneous, It’s Harder to Dismiss Your Concerns About Them

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I recently posted an essay called “A Bad Partner Fit Can Make You Feel Like You’re Worthless.” In it, I contrast two relationships I’ve been in, not by discussing the qualities of the two different partners, but by sharing the different ways they described me: 

It’s easy to come up with differences between those two relationships.  » Read more

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Self-Partnering Sounds an Awful Lot Like Solo Polyamory

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I’ve been reading more and more about a new relationship term lately: Self-partnering.

It had a big pop culture moment last month when Emma Watson declared herself self-partnered in an interview.

Since then, multiple articles have spun off, and people are talking more and more about the idea of self-partnering. The concept that a person could be single but not feel lonely,  » Read more

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The “Should Have Stayed a Play Partner” Effect

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Have you ever met someone who is fantastic at first? There’s something fun and shiny about them.

Maybe they’re things that you’re missing in the rest of your life. That you don’t know anybody else who does well. Or can engage with you on that particular level.

Maybe these aspects are so shiny that you are quick to forgive many things that should have given you cause for concern.  » Read more

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When You Ask Someone to Question One Thing, You May Be Asking Them to Question Everything

a small concrete building with graffiti on it. Graffiti says "Question Everything?" and "leave your baggage here. Also has some illegible words as well as a large spraypainted depiction of an eye
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Upon hearing that I’ve written three books about polyamory and maintain a popular daily blog that heavily (although not exclusively) focuses on consensual non-monogamy, most people assume I must be some kind of polyamory fanatic.

They presume that I jumped into non-monogamy vigorously, happily, excited as heck. That I was an exuberant polyamorist,  » Read more

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