I am not a particularly loyal person.
I wonder if it’s because one thing that life has taught me is that ultimately I can only rely on myself.
This revelation may seem paradoxical given the fact that I am beloved. Not only do I have a Master but also a well-cherished friend coterie that serves to insulate me from the world. » Read more
Zebra is a medical slang term for a surprising diagnosis. Although rare diseases are, in general, surprising when they are encountered, other diseases can be surprising in a particular person and time, and so “zebra” is the broader concept.
The term derives from the aphorism “When you hear hoofbeats behind you, » Read more
The three of us housemates were chatting about emotions, love, life in general in the living room last night. It had been a long day for all of us, and it seemed like a good time for a pow-wow and some light philosophy.
The subject of self-deprecation and negative self-talk came up. » Read more
March 2010 – Saint Patrick’s Day
“You’ve been doing amazing,” S says. “You look incredible. You’ve changed so much.” We lock arms, cuddle. “Just be careful. Don’t leave him behind.”
S throws a look at my then-husband, who is doing a line of shots with some of the other boys across the room. » Read more
Me: I’m not a grown up. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Skyspook: No one really does.
When it comes to feeling truly loved and understood by another human being, I am roughly 3 years old.
My relationship with my mother is deeply troubled as she is mentally ill and only recently compliant with any sort of treatment (to the tune of starting talk therapy about 3 or 4 years ago). » Read more
My mother likes to relate a story of a visit she had to her primary care provider many years ago, right around the time my little brother was born. She’d gotten down quickly to her svelte pre-pregnancy weight but was still distressed. “I don’t know what to do,” she said to her doctor. “I have such fat knees.”
“That’s how you know you’re thin,” he replied. » Read more
“Holy shit!” I broke into uncontrollable cackles, after I’d fired off 2 rounds. “I get why you do this!”
I was shooting a gun for the first time, a dainty .22 pistol, at this anything goes backwoods outdoor range and had managed to decimate one of the many cans of orange soda we’d procured at the dollar store for just this purpose. » Read more
I woke up yesterday morning, completely without warning, with a sense that a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt lighter, more at peace. My anxiety was better than I can remember it being. I could speak without the echo of fear and doubt that accompanies most of my social interactions (in the manner of quick thoughts like “well, » Read more
“I’m a fraud and others will find out”
There it is, right in the “FEARS” worksheet. Fuck you, Step 4. Moral Inventory bullshit. I wince, feel the rage rise up within me. I sigh.
Whenever I experience this level of anger, what’s being said is either very true or very untrue. » Read more
“A man who survived jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge said, ‘I can still see my hands coming off the railing…I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable — except for having just jumped.’”
-Paul Austin, Something for the Pain
I got divorced yesterday. » Read more