Polyamory and Power Exchange: Negotiating From the Bottom

2 dogs wrestling: a white dog on top, a beagle on the bottom who has a surprised expression on its face
Image by walkadog / CC BY

Negotiating boundaries and setting expectations are both crucial in polyamory. Being polyamorous involves moving away from The Standard Romantic Relationship Script, in which society largely defines expectations and rules in relationships. And instead, in polyamory it’s vital to look to the people within the relationship to define and develop what those expectations should be. I’ve written previously about  best practices for negotiating relationship agreements,   » Read more

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Love in the Hate Place, Hate in the Love Place

black and white photo of a hand and 5 square blocks of tofu
Image by Robert Couse-Baker / CC BY

“Awww,” Skyspook said. “You loooove it.”

“Sure, I love it… in my hate place.”

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Skyspook often describes his own process of learning how to communicate in relationships (nonromantic and romantic, poly, mono, or otherwise) as going vegan with his emotions.

What he means by this is that he’s as upfront and as authentic about his feelings as possible,  » Read more

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Nobody’s Pizza Chef

pizza being made

On the rare occasions that I happen to talk to vanilla people about BDSM, it’s always quite eye opening.  One thing I hear a lot is they could see themselves enjoying giving such a beating or doling out orders, that it seems fun. But getting a beating or following orders…? Dream on, Pokemon.  » Read more

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That’s How You Get Smooth Jazz

“I really wish people would be more open about their kinks,” he said. “I think kinks should be considered normal and not so taboo.”

Except, for me at least, that’s the whole point.

For one, my kinks involve lots of shame, so maybe I’m not the most impartial judge. Now I’m not about to advocate for society to go on a witch hunt after all would-be intrepid sexplorers as the fundamentalist fringes (and fringe-adjacent folks when they get wrapped up in their own insecurities and confusion) are so wont to do.  » Read more

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Wannabe Service Alien

I appear confident, but under the surface I’m afraid.

Disappointment is a persistent low-grade stinging in my chest, churning slowly, like a fist clenching in a space where it doesn’t quite fit. 

I fear I always screw things up with him. I never say the right things. How is it that I’ve worked all these years to be pleasing to men,   » Read more

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Notes towards “Diary of a Love Slave”

12/23/13

Nothing feels better than letting go, and when I say letting go, I mean completely letting go, letting responsibility bleed from you as effortlessly as losing consciousness when your head hits the pillow. Until I met him, I’d had little opportunity to do that for any length of time.

Going limp requires a high level of security and complete trust in the person holding the reins.  » Read more

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Ambition

Last night was the first uncomfortably warm night of the year. We shut the cats out of the bedroom so we could open the window and let some air breeze in while we slept without cat heads banging against the blinds every 2 minutes as they craned through the slats to get a good view of our neighbors’  » Read more

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