There is something extremely powerful in having real-time simultaneous deep connections.
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There’s no way of getting around it. When a bunch of bad things happen, it’s easy to think you deserved it.
Loss aversion is an interesting phenomenon. Generally speaking, loss aversion is the phenomenon whereby human beings experience greater negative emotions when they lose something than they get a positive emotional boost from gaining the same thing.
Over the years, I’ve grown to appreciate that the unreliable narrator is not just a literary device… it’s also a fact of life.
The outer result looks the same whether I’m self-abusing bruteforcing or gentle self-parenting. But it feels completely different inside my head. It makes all the difference.
“Umm…,” a reader writes. “I read your article from August 5, and I’m super confused. Are you saying that everyone has to be polyamorous?”
I recently went over 439 unfinished drafts from the past 4-5 years and finished or deleted them. How many did I keep? How many did I delete?
Living alone is hard… but so is living with other people. Pick your hard, the universe says.
I can’t expect everyone I date to be into absolutely everything I’m into. But what I can expect is this: That they respond respectfully even if it’s not their kink.
I’ve never been enough for you, not the way I am. “I want to be close to you,” you’ve always said to me, “but I want you to do everything differently.”
I pretty much only date other sensitive people, but this comes with a downside.
When you outgrow your relationship agreement, it’s a kind of success — not an indictment of relationship agreements.
When it came to our relationship, I did everything “wrong” — and it turned out okay.
If freaking racecar drivers can share so seamlessly, there’s hope for the rest of us, I say.
“All of me
Why not take all of me?”
-lyrics, “All of Me,” Jazz standard
“It’s all fine and good to just say ‘reframe relationships from a model of scarcity to one of abundance,’ but dude, HOW?”
Good communication alone isn’t what makes a happy relationship. After a certain point, there are other factors that come into play.
It’s easy for me put myself in other people’s shoes. Sometimes — I’d say most of the time — this comes in handy. But other times? Not so much. And it can be tough for me to stay fixed in my own perspective when I need to and to advocate for what I want.
I struggle a lot with “outsider feelings” even when people get close to me. Will they go away completely one day? I have no way to tell. The important thing is that I don’t let them rule my life.
Having great reconnections after an other-date was something that took me to a whole different level re: polyamory. It made everything a lot more fun.
I get the following question a lot: “Can you learn to be polyamorous?”
“Maybe I need 2 boyfriends so they can ‘well actually’ each other and it’ll cancel out and I can just feel good about myself,” she says.
“I can tell you’re joking,” I say, “but that’s totally happened to me.”
The best people — the most real people, if you will — are often the ones who believe other people when they point out their flaws.
Maybe one day words of self-affirmation won’t feel so weird to me. But until then, I have self-affirming acts as something I can do, a way that I can show myself self-compassion using something other than words.
There’s a saying in polyamorous circles that has been around for a very long time — longer than I’ve been in them, that’s for sure. It’s “relationship broken, add more people.” It’s a recipe for disaster, something that’s said with a laugh about a certain kind of couple that might find themselves either exploring polyamory or opening up some other way.
I’ve been there so many times. Excited to be in a situation. Figuratively swept off my feet by a new person or opportunity — beset by New Relationship Energy. And then there’s a moment of terror when I realize that I’ve left the ground.