Being Accepted Completely, Even If Not All in One Place
August 12, 2021
“All of me
Why not take all of me?”
-lyrics, “All of Me,” Jazz standard
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How to Move Away from Scarcity Mindset (Part Infinity)
August 11, 2021
“It’s all fine and good to just say ‘reframe relationships from a model of scarcity to one of abundance,’ but dude, HOW?”
On the Importance of Communicating Well Enough (But Not Perfectly)
August 10, 2021
Good communication alone isn’t what makes a happy relationship. After a certain point, there are other factors that come into play.
When Perspective-Taking Is Too Easy: The Challenge of Staying in Your Own Shoes
August 9, 2021
It’s easy for me put myself in other people’s shoes. Sometimes — I’d say most of the time — this comes in handy. But other times? Not so much. And it can be tough for me to stay fixed in my own perspective when I need to and to advocate for what I want.
I Struggle A Lot With “Outsider Feelings” Even When People Get Close to Me
August 8, 2021
I struggle a lot with “outsider feelings” even when people get close to me. Will they go away completely one day? I have no way to tell. The important thing is that I don’t let them rule my life.
Liminality Is the Hardest Part
August 7, 2021
In anthropology, liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning “a threshold”) is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of
I Learned a Lot About Reconnecting in Polyamory from BDSM Aftercare
August 6, 2021
Having great reconnections after an other-date was something that took me to a whole different level re: polyamory. It made everything a lot more fun.
Can You Learn to Thrive in Polyamorous Relationship Systems If Polyamory Isn’t Natural for You?
August 5, 2021
I get the following question a lot: “Can you learn to be polyamorous?”
When Your Two Boyfriends “Well, Actually” Each Other
August 4, 2021
“Maybe I need 2 boyfriends so they can ‘well actually’ each other and it’ll cancel out and I can just feel good about myself,” she says.
“I can tell you’re joking,” I say, “but that’s totally happened to me.”
What You Get at the End of the Journey to Realness
August 3, 2021
The best people — the most real people, if you will — are often the ones who believe other people when they point out their flaws.
Find Self-Affirmations Cheesy? Try Self-Affirming Acts
August 2, 2021
Maybe one day words of self-affirmation won’t feel so weird to me. But until then, I have self-affirming acts as something I can do, a way that I can show myself self-compassion using something other than words.
You Fixed Me By Helping Me Learn to Fix Things
August 1, 2021
It blows me away sometimes — how much you fixed me by helping me learn to fix things myself. By teaching me I’m much more capable than I thought.
I Hate How People Assume “If Adding More People, Relationship Is Broken”
July 31, 2021
There’s a saying in polyamorous circles that has been around for a very long time — longer than I’ve been in them, that’s for sure. It’s “relationship broken, add more people.” It’s a recipe for disaster, something that’s said with a laugh about a certain kind of couple that might find themselves either exploring polyamory or opening up some other way.
Vulnerability — or Too Much, Too Much! On My Terms
July 30, 2021
I’ve been there so many times. Excited to be in a situation. Figuratively swept off my feet by a new person or opportunity — beset by New Relationship Energy. And then there’s a moment of terror when I realize that I’ve left the ground.
I Can’t Believe You Made Me Trust Again
July 29, 2021
I should have been jaded. Should have lost all hope. And I think I would have… if you hadn’t shown up when you did, giving me more reason to trust than I ever had before.
On Having to Repeat Yourself When Your Partner Feels Loved Via Words of Affirmation
July 28, 2021
It can be more jarring sometimes to have to repeatedly say kind things. I get that. Especially if you’re someone who hates to repeat yourself. But Words of Affirmation isn’t unique in this respect. It’s just like the other Love Languages in that it isn’t one and done.
You Say You’re Broken… Like an Overpowered Game Mechanic, Maybe.
July 27, 2021
If you’re broken, it’s the other kind. You’re like an overpowered game mechanic — the kind that the player discovers and it instantly renders them incredibly powerful and the game ridiculously easy. “That’s so broken,” gamers say when they discover something like that.
Cool Things Happen When You Stop Running From Who You Are
July 26, 2021
It’s a terrifying notion when you’re scared of yourself (a feeling I understand very well), but magical things can happen when you stop running from who you are and just let it catch you.
Sometimes People Just Need to Hurt
July 25, 2021
One day it became crystal clear: You can’t make anyone feel anything. Feeling is this complex process that also involves the person having the emotions to varying degrees.
Loyalty Is Beautiful, But Sometimes You Need to Leave.
July 24, 2021
Sometimes people who would leave you in a heartbeat if it benefitted them (like an employer who does layoffs willy-nilly) will be the most likely to complain that they’re being victimized by an exit.
Hey, Lonely Kid, I See You.
July 23, 2021
I’m good at seeing the people who want to be part of something social but are having trouble working out how to jump in. There’s a reason for this — something that shocks people who know me in real life, even some who know me well: I was a lonely kid. I struggle with anxiety myself. And I don’t always feel like I fit in.
You Don’t Have to Figure the Whole Thing Out First. Just Start.
July 22, 2021
I’m here to tell you what I wish I realized a long time ago: You don’t have to do the whole thing at once. Just start. Start with something tiny. Do a piece at a time.
The Way You Forget in Relationships
July 21, 2021
I’ve learned to pay very close attention to the way I forget in my relationships. What am I forgetting? What am I remembering? It makes all the difference.
Miracle Workers (Surprise Project) Is Out! And Other Updates…
July 20, 2021
I’m happy to announce a surprise project, Miracle Workers, as well as a fix to a major website bug that will enable us to build some cool new projects.
The Wrong People Have All the Fear
July 19, 2021
It’s the sweetest people I know who are always worried about the impact they have on others, who try to really hard to navigate situations well. And it’s the the bad actors who feel confident driving however they want.
“Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.”
July 18, 2021
Trying too hard to get a refund on the cost of experience just ends up making you act like a Karen.
Is Knowing REALLY Half the Battle?
July 17, 2021
The GI Joe Fallacy is the name for a psychological phenomenon whereby we expect that knowing about a bias means that we can overcome it. Knowing is not half the battle. Not even close. Now, knowing about a bias does help — but according to research, it’s something like a tenth of the battle. Waaaaay less than half.
Why & How to Stop Over-Explaining
July 16, 2021
Over-explaining is most commonly a symptom of anxiety and can also indicate low self-esteem. Since I have vast experience with both of those, I wanted to dive in further.
The Healing Process Can Be Traumatic
July 15, 2021
We don’t talk about it enough, but the healing process can be really traumatic. Even once you’ve worked past defensiveness and figured out how you want to work through your issues, the difficulty doesn’t stop there. Really, that’s when it begins.
The Surprising Popularity of Reaction Videos Makes Me Feel Less Weird
July 14, 2021
I thought watching other people watch movies was a weird impulse. Something personal to me, maybe indicative of a niche quirk I had. Nope, it’s a popular genre of video.
I Just Randomly Meet Polyamorous People, I Guess
July 13, 2021
I just randomly meet polyamorous people, I guess. Even without trying.
Strong Relationships Protect Themselves
July 12, 2021
Strong relationships don’t need to be protected. They stay healthy and strong. They protect themselves via deep connection and understanding. This is not something that people outside of the relationship can interfere with. Not really. No, when a bond is good, it endures, regardless of anything else happening outside of it.
