“I Don’t Want You to Feel Like You Need to Edit Out the Best Parts of Yourself.”
June 30, 2021
“That sounds weird, doesn’t it?” she says. “I’m sorry if it sounds weird. I don’t mean to be so annoying.”
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People Who Easily Disturb Sleeping Cats & Those Who Don’t Likely Live in Different Emotional Worlds
June 29, 2021
Sometimes I feel like people who are wired to not disturb sleeping cats (“I cannot disturb this adorable creature that I’m bonding with”) and those who aren’t (“it’s just a damn animal, I’m in charge here”) live in vastly different worlds.
Positivity Doesn’t Come Easy to You, So It’s Easy to Trust You.
June 28, 2021
Positivity doesn’t come easy to you, so when you pay me a compliment, it’s easy to believe you.
Three Zones: Self, Other, Idealized Other
June 27, 2021
Once upon a time, I not only had a
double standard but practiced a triple standard, whereby I had one set of standards for myself, a second for others, and a third for idealized others, a.k.a., the pedestal.
Self-Efficacy Is So Much Better Than Self-Esteem
June 26, 2021
We come to like ourselves when we realize we can do things. We don’t get good at doing things simply because we like ourselves.
The Last Time I Was Truly Present for Ten Whole Minutes
June 25, 2021
For ten minutes, I don’t ruin my experience by comparing it to something else or thinking about why it’s not perfect or how it could be better. I don’t destroy the moment by worrying about what is waiting for me to do later.
Sorry. Tearing Other People Down Isn’t a Way to Become Confident.
June 24, 2021
What’s a person supposed to do if confidence is what they’re seeking? It’s the exact opposite of what most people default to: You build other people up.
Life Isn’t a Choose Your Own Adventure Book… and Thank Goodness for That
June 23, 2021
In a particularly complex volume of the series, I’d sometimes end up with the book on my hand like a glove, my fingers all stuck in various parts of the book. Part of me was always left at the second choice, so I never really chose.
I’ve Learned to Provide Better Failure States for Myself
June 22, 2021
Instead of expecting yourself to be perfect and creating a system where if you fail to be perfect, things go badly, you create a system where there are multiple ways for you to succeed. You set up a system where “failure” isn’t punishing but fine and expected.
Psychic Inferno Is Out. Yes, Poly Land Is Run By Someone Named Page Turner (& Other Updates).
June 21, 2021
Psychic Inferno by Page Turner is officially out. The Psychic State books are mysteries with strong female leads that feature a large ensemble cast of polyamorous characters.
Exceptionalism Is a Scam. I Was Saved by Self-Neutrality.
June 20, 2021
Odds are very good that I’m average — or close enough that it doesn’t matter. And after I’ve put in a reasonable amount of work, it doesn’t really benefit me to keep obsessing over it.
I Had to Learn to Protect Positive Moods
June 19, 2021
You can’t make it a requirement that everyone in the world has to be happy before you’re allowed to be. That’s about the best recipe for unhappiness that I’ve ever heard.
I Used to Be So Scared When You Did Nice Things for Me
June 18, 2021
I used to feel so much terror every time you did something nice for me. Because I already didn’t feel like I deserved you. And that you were too good for me.
The Worst Naysayers Have Told Themselves No & That’s Why They Say It to You
June 17, 2021
One of the most refreshing realizations I ever had: What people say to you is often more about THEM than you. Like a lot of the big profound truths, I didn’t believe this the first time I ever heard this idea. Back then I really did take critics to heart. And I let their criticism not only paralyze me but to teach me how to talk to myself.
Yes, It IS Really Hard Changing Unhelpful Beliefs
June 16, 2021
It’s a tall order giving up on beliefs. Even if they’re hurting you and making you miserable, you have those beliefs for a reason
If It Has to Happen to You First, You’ll Never Really Get It
June 15, 2021
I’ve learned an awful lot from watching people who dismiss experiences unless they’re the one having them. If you keep your eyes open, you’ll see it eventually — people who talk bitterly about one side of an issue, putting others down who feel differently, until life comes and smacks them off their high horse. And they find themselves on the other side, the one that they had always dismissed.
I Love Having Someone to Learn With
June 14, 2021
I have to say that’s probably my favorite thing about my life, even on the tough days: I love having someone to learn with — about the world, about others, and about myself.
I Have Probably Argued with You The Most & That’s a Good Sign
June 13, 2021
That’s how you know you have something special. It’s not when you always agree, but when you feel safe enough to not shy away from natural conflict but to embrace it.
I’m Making a Commitment to Stop Necroposting in My Mind (Or at Least Try)
June 12, 2021
It occurred to me the other day that as much as I laugh at necroposting when it happens online — and as much as I try hard not to do it online, that I’m guilty of doing something similar mentally.
Sometimes It’s Quicker to Start Over Than to Fix & Fix & Fix
June 11, 2021
The trouble with sunk cost fallacy is that it’s logical in one sense — it is aggravating to throw away hard work and investment, no matter how doomed the current prognosis is. But it really does us no favors as the overall loss can be much greater if we don’t walk away.
“Stop Texting to See Who Your Friends Are” Is Just Relationship Testing
June 10, 2021
Relationship testing is doing anything that’s intended to indirectly ascertain if the other person cares about you or the relationship you have.
Physical Pressure Can Be Like a Calming Drug
June 9, 2021
They wrapped their arms tightly around me, and every neuron in my body sung in perfect harmony.
You Need at Least a Couple of People Who Are Willing to Tell You What You Don’t Want to Hear
June 8, 2021
If you go too far with disregarding criticism and paring down your social circle accordingly, it’s possible for well-meaning people to find themselves with only “yes people” in their lives.
I Want a Chance to Miss You
June 7, 2021
There’s nothing I like more than seeing you again after we’ve been apart.
No, Really. I Don’t Care If I Ever Get Better at Doing Something I Enjoy But Do Badly.
June 6, 2021
It would seem that I’m not the only person out there who has trouble accepting that you can do something simply because you like doing it — with no expectation of ever getting good at it. Even as I said I didn’t care if I ever got better at it, I heard from lots of folks who felt it was their duty to assure me that I would.
I Think I Figured Out Why Other People Think I’m Competitive
June 5, 2021
For me, pushing myself was never really about besting the other people. I think I learned somewhere along the way that love is something you earn by being useful to other people — doing things for them, making them look good, pleasing them somehow.
We Don’t Want to Know That It Might Take a Few Heartbreaks to Find a Good Relationship
June 4, 2021
Why do we convince ourselves that bad relationships are obvious?
We don’t want to know that it might take a few heartbreaks to find a good one.
I Dream of a Place Where Everything Is Solid
June 3, 2021
Sometimes I dream of a place where everything is right. Nothing’s wrong. I can snuggle to your chest and listen to your heart and stay in the stillness of that moment.
When You’re So Happy Something Good Happened to Someone Else, You Forget to Be Disappointed It Hasn’t Happened to You
June 2, 2021
I’ve never had a surprise party thrown for me (by anyone).
But I have fond memories of being a coconspirator in planning someone else’s.
Learning to Argue Forward Instead of Talking Back
June 1, 2021
Once I started to argue forward instead of talking back, what happened was astonishing. Instead of getting mired down infinitely in non-productive squabbles and tanking my productivity, I was made more productive by critical comments
Why It’s Easy for Well-Meaning Polyamorous People to Engage in Sneakiarchy
May 31, 2021
Even in the most egalitarian polyamory relationship system, relationships that have gone on for any length of time will involve multiple roles.
Those Days When You Really Don’t Want to Do Anything
May 30, 2021
Sometimes self-care is resting, bubble baths, and indulgence. And other times self-care is pushing yourself to keep going when you’d rather give up.
