You Fixed Me By Helping Me Learn to Fix Things
August 1, 2021
It blows me away sometimes — how much you fixed me by helping me learn to fix things myself. By teaching me I’m much more capable than I thought.
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I Hate How People Assume “If Adding More People, Relationship Is Broken”
July 31, 2021
There’s a saying in polyamorous circles that has been around for a very long time — longer than I’ve been in them, that’s for sure. It’s “relationship broken, add more people.” It’s a recipe for disaster, something that’s said with a laugh about a certain kind of couple that might find themselves either exploring polyamory or opening up some other way.
Vulnerability — or Too Much, Too Much! On My Terms
July 30, 2021
I’ve been there so many times. Excited to be in a situation. Figuratively swept off my feet by a new person or opportunity — beset by New Relationship Energy. And then there’s a moment of terror when I realize that I’ve left the ground.
I Can’t Believe You Made Me Trust Again
July 29, 2021
I should have been jaded. Should have lost all hope. And I think I would have… if you hadn’t shown up when you did, giving me more reason to trust than I ever had before.
On Having to Repeat Yourself When Your Partner Feels Loved Via Words of Affirmation
July 28, 2021
It can be more jarring sometimes to have to repeatedly say kind things. I get that. Especially if you’re someone who hates to repeat yourself. But Words of Affirmation isn’t unique in this respect. It’s just like the other Love Languages in that it isn’t one and done.
You Say You’re Broken… Like an Overpowered Game Mechanic, Maybe.
July 27, 2021
If you’re broken, it’s the other kind. You’re like an overpowered game mechanic — the kind that the player discovers and it instantly renders them incredibly powerful and the game ridiculously easy. “That’s so broken,” gamers say when they discover something like that.
Cool Things Happen When You Stop Running From Who You Are
July 26, 2021
It’s a terrifying notion when you’re scared of yourself (a feeling I understand very well), but magical things can happen when you stop running from who you are and just let it catch you.
Sometimes People Just Need to Hurt
July 25, 2021
One day it became crystal clear: You can’t make anyone feel anything. Feeling is this complex process that also involves the person having the emotions to varying degrees.
Loyalty Is Beautiful, But Sometimes You Need to Leave.
July 24, 2021
Sometimes people who would leave you in a heartbeat if it benefitted them (like an employer who does layoffs willy-nilly) will be the most likely to complain that they’re being victimized by an exit.
Hey, Lonely Kid, I See You.
July 23, 2021
I’m good at seeing the people who want to be part of something social but are having trouble working out how to jump in. There’s a reason for this — something that shocks people who know me in real life, even some who know me well: I was a lonely kid. I struggle with anxiety myself. And I don’t always feel like I fit in.
You Don’t Have to Figure the Whole Thing Out First. Just Start.
July 22, 2021
I’m here to tell you what I wish I realized a long time ago: You don’t have to do the whole thing at once. Just start. Start with something tiny. Do a piece at a time.
The Way You Forget in Relationships
July 21, 2021
I’ve learned to pay very close attention to the way I forget in my relationships. What am I forgetting? What am I remembering? It makes all the difference.
Miracle Workers (Surprise Project) Is Out! And Other Updates…
July 20, 2021
I’m happy to announce a surprise project, Miracle Workers, as well as a fix to a major website bug that will enable us to build some cool new projects.
The Wrong People Have All the Fear
July 19, 2021
It’s the sweetest people I know who are always worried about the impact they have on others, who try to really hard to navigate situations well. And it’s the the bad actors who feel confident driving however they want.
“Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.”
July 18, 2021
Trying too hard to get a refund on the cost of experience just ends up making you act like a Karen.
Is Knowing REALLY Half the Battle?
July 17, 2021
The GI Joe Fallacy is the name for a psychological phenomenon whereby we expect that knowing about a bias means that we can overcome it. Knowing is not half the battle. Not even close. Now, knowing about a bias does help — but according to research, it’s something like a tenth of the battle. Waaaaay less than half.
Why & How to Stop Over-Explaining
July 16, 2021
Over-explaining is most commonly a symptom of anxiety and can also indicate low self-esteem. Since I have vast experience with both of those, I wanted to dive in further.
The Healing Process Can Be Traumatic
July 15, 2021
We don’t talk about it enough, but the healing process can be really traumatic. Even once you’ve worked past defensiveness and figured out how you want to work through your issues, the difficulty doesn’t stop there. Really, that’s when it begins.
The Surprising Popularity of Reaction Videos Makes Me Feel Less Weird
July 14, 2021
I thought watching other people watch movies was a weird impulse. Something personal to me, maybe indicative of a niche quirk I had. Nope, it’s a popular genre of video.
I Just Randomly Meet Polyamorous People, I Guess
July 13, 2021
I just randomly meet polyamorous people, I guess. Even without trying.
Strong Relationships Protect Themselves
July 12, 2021
Strong relationships don’t need to be protected. They stay healthy and strong. They protect themselves via deep connection and understanding. This is not something that people outside of the relationship can interfere with. Not really. No, when a bond is good, it endures, regardless of anything else happening outside of it.
Today’s Crisis Is Tomorrow’s Good Story… So Long as Tomorrow Comes
July 11, 2021
“I’ll admit it,” he says, “I’ve done a lot of things in my life just for the story.”
Little Changes Can Cause Big Stress
July 10, 2021
*No one fed us!* my cat is screaming. *He’s doing the thing he normally does after he feeds us. We’re doomed. We’re gonna diiiiiiiie!*
Make an Effort to Thank Your Partners to Keep From Taking Them For Granted
July 9, 2021
It might feel silly sometimes to thank people for little things or, as my one friend saucily puts it, “stuff grown adults should be doing anyway,” but doing so can help battle some pretty negative relationship forces that will tear down a strong bond if you let them.
Sometimes Success Is Knowing When to Quit
July 8, 2021
“Sometimes success is knowing when to quit,” I say. “And sometimes success is knowing when to reschedule.”
Maybe It’s Okay that We Love Each Other Differently than We Love Ourselves.
July 7, 2021
Maybe it’s okay that we love each other differently than we love ourselves. Maybe that’s the whole point.
I’m Amazed That You Always See Me in Your Future
July 6, 2021
It seems too good to be true, that you’ll still want me in your life 10 or 20 years from now. But not to you.
When You Realize Your Partner Is Lurking in Your Relationship
July 5, 2021
My partner lurks in our relationship, paying careful attention, having extremely deep feelings but rarely voicing them.
Never Quite Sure What to Do With “If You Want to” For an Answer
July 4, 2021
Historically, I’ve tried being direct, explaining the situation, and asking for advice on what to do with that answer from the folks who say “if you want.” But inevitably, that approach doesn’t work. They’ll usually give me a shrug at most. Change the subject.
Those Moments That Give You Much-Needed Perspective on a Relationship
July 3, 2021
I’ve found that while my first impressions of people I’m dating isn’t always an accurate one, I inevitably am pretty good at heeding positive or negative signs when they inevitably show up.
Oh, So I WASN’T Supposed to Find Goofus Relatable…
July 2, 2021
Goofus was naughty as heck, and yes, Gallant was supposed to be the true hero of the work, but Goofus was in the darn comic. People were reading about him. He was important, too. Which meant you could be imperfect and yet important.
