People who know me well consistently point to things I do and say, “Yes, that’s you being hyperindependent again. It’s the hyperindependence of the traumatized again.” The idea is that when bad things have happened to you, the way you avoid learning helplessness is to be become very self-sufficient. You become strong. Take care of yourself.
The reality is that polyamorous people are just people… and that’s a very good thing.
I’m enjoying the simplicity and reconnecting with myself. Maybe it’s confusing to other people, but it’s not confusing to me. At all.
I have suffered from people pleasing my whole life, and am inclined to change too much for other people, especially if I like them. Even if it makes me miserable. It’s easy in such a situation to be suspicious of your own growth.
I’ve stopped myself, reeling from the surreal feeling of so many things going wrong, and I’ve said, “Well, at least it didn’t ruin a good mood.”
It happens then, on a random day long into the future, years after we first spoke of it. You do the thing I asked you to do. The one you said you could never do.
I know it didn’t feel like enough to you. But it was everything to me. Thank you.
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
-Anne Lamott
I don’t act on attractions quickly, even if I formed them that way. Attraction is easy for me. Trust isn’t.
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